Insecurity¶
I don’t think I’ve ever been a relaxed person, living in the moment, content. I’m either looking ahead or looking back.
But lately, I have felt very anxious, very stressed as if I were living on some sort of knife point. I’ve wondered if I am lonely. Lots of Zoom meetings have stopped for the summer or gone locally in person.
But recently I have realized the feeling is fear. I do not consider myself a fearful person. I don’t worry about potential danger. I often forget, for example, to lock doors and since moving to the ground floor, I have to remind myself to lock windows, something I have never done before in any conscious way except when going out-of-town.
But I am now living with fear, fear of the Delta variant. I could potentially get a break through infection or be a spreader of the Covid virus.
The news out of Afghanistan is bad. I woke up to non-stop coverage on the radio. For days now it has reminded me of the last days of South Vietnam. That’s what comes of living a long life. History seems to wrap around.
My grandson, who is in middle school, worries about having enough money to live on when he is middle-aged. He said his parents would be retired and living well. His mother pointed out that both of his parents entered the job market in the Great Recession.
So what I am facing is insecurity. I am physically safe. I have the means to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I have healthcare. I have family. And yet, I feel so insecure.
I am not a person who sorts this sort of thing out quickly. I will have to spend time thinking about this and figuring out if there is a way to feel more secure given the insecurities of the pandemic and the health of our democracy. I tend to downplay and discount alarmists, but the report on climate change that came out recently made the world picture very insecure with no plan forward.
In the end, this may be what is making me so insecure. I usually have a plan. The plan can change, but I always need a plan and I have no real plan for navigating a very insecure world.
Listening to worship today, I heard the word eternal. That is my guide to security. The world God invites me into is secure. Thinking about Zen, I am reminded of suffering and compassion. Difficult, all this, but a way forward.